Exploits of the Frictionless Man as it wanders around the world like some kind of slippery hydra. Music, words and pictures a speciality.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Spume jam on marionette toast

We have twelve songs, and tonight we move to number 13. I suppose it should be the song I wrote about lucky shoes, but it won't be.

Talking of shoes......

Shoe update - still have a hole, but I have mended another pair of shoes, which had a split in the rubber at the toe, with super-glue and PVA glue. It has worked quite well and should see me through the many miles of walking to work I will be doing before payday.

So we didn't get a slot in the Swansea Fringe, boo and hiss. Don't know why, I nagged plenty but obviously not enough. Not to worry though, we have next year to do it, by which time we will be a world straddling behemoth of Rock and/or Roll.

Seems that the Most Influential Bands in the World suggestions have dried up. For your perusal here is the last "ten of the best" I compiled, see if you can come up with an even more influential Semen Isle Compo.

In no particular order:

Desert arse sprites: Semi-slug, crack-breeding felch-crock with a touch of murder.

Feel the Phone Book: Neo-basic patio flume barking.

Hobo Fist Fight: Proto-grime-freak-mode infused hillbilly-lake visitors.

Spracturnal: New York chaz, with a hint of thyme and lemon, over a dysfunctional dirge

Southend's Monster Cocks Do Damage: Wagner vs Copeland - all bets are off.

The electric peanut hoovers: antique-wave, post-industrial, misc. verb to the adjective geno flectro.

noctacle: guzumptious tenor death metalist choir boy pop anthems, twined with underated muso bosch

Thnick Thnick Thnick: Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Jug of Wrath: doom folk.

Freakish Greek Hotpot: quasi-astronomical post-crank-thunk


Hughes the Booze said...

The Swansea fringe is clearly shite. Unless they give you a slot next year, in which case it's brilliant.

Best to be fickle about these things and change one's opinions to suit the mood.

Five 'other' bands for your collection:
The Spam Fritters: MP3-by-e-mail of jazz spunk fusion with overtones of wasteful noise;
Bum Bandits; hoboes making fart music in masks;
Fudgepackers; formed by people working in a confectionery packing plant singing updated reinterpretations of old spirituals and chain-gang songs, often in Greek;
Pirates of Men's Pants; industrial dirge music made on DIY instruments constructed from 4-ply and knicker-elastic;
Ben Dover and Phil McRackin; the now-legendary 'boring old farts' that nearly made it in the '60s but never got over their support slot with Simon and Garfunkel.

Mr Frictionless said...

I hear all those bands were at the last Men with Moustaches parade in Sydney.

Nice to see which bands have influenced you Mr Booze. I always thought you'd be a Fudgepackers man.

Hughes the Booze said...

Well, you did ask for bands that were semen-isle.

I always thought that the 'Chutney Ferrets' album from back in '69 would be right up your alley.

Mr Frictionless said...

I wore the grooves off the 12 inch.


Hughes the Booze said...

I thought that the track 'Ribbed for Pleasure' offered particularly penetrating grooves.

I was never a proud and upstanding member of the fan club, though. I preferred to keep my admiration firmly in my own hand.

MonkeyChops said...

'Big Cock up Your Filthy Shit-hole'; classy skiffle threesome named after Johnny Cash's lesser known prequel to 'Ring of Fire'

'Ziggy Spunkfest and the Marmite Miners of Mars'; David Bowie's purple helmet patch

'Jive Bunny'; surely the greatest band of all time? Surely? Surely? Surely? Surely? "Come on everbody C-C-Come on everybody"

I wasn't allowed into the last 'Men with Moustaches' parade because of the violent full-body spasms I've started affecting. They started out as an effective way to end boring conversations (I'd recommend using them if doing a little dance doesn't work in the first instance) but I've just grown to love them.

Here's how; first, look surprised and blink rapidly. If you can sweat on command, do so. Next, start groaning, quietly at first, whilst doubling over at the waist. Put your hands on your head, stamp your feet, and grunt like a monkey. Now flail your limbs wildly and squeal like a pig. Continue for as long as necessary. For added effect you can, if you wish, finish by snapping upright, military style, and holding your breath until you go red. Maintain eye contact for full effect.

Alternative methods for ending boring conversations; spitting in their face; masterbating (them or you, the effect will be the same); making animal noises at inappropriate moments (make sure they truly are inappropriate); and maiming.

morriston burns said...

Here's my method for ending a boring conversation.

satori ground attack vehicle (bummer class) said...

It's obvious that Monkeychaps can't spell "mastUrbating" properly. What a wanker.

Anyway, why don't we ever mention the music any more, maaaaaan! It's like.....the music man, they killed the fuggin' music (and so forth).

I'm a bit concerned about the recent posts on this blog; you are either all a bunch of no-good homophobes or you're all bumming each other senseless (with the exception of Morriston Burns who is not a bummer).


Although I did hear that he was a shrimper.

satori power pod (rechargeable) said...

Oh, and the fringe isn't all shite because JTQ are playing and I'm on the guest-list na na nee na na!

Anyway, Frictionless Man (made-up name) and SATORI are having their own fringe at the Infeno on October 29th which can only be good.

Hughes the Booze said...

Looks like Satori will burn in Hell because he can't spell infeRno properly.

People in glass houses... tend to die of heat exhaustion in the summer.

I know it might be a bit of a bummer for you to hear this but there are no bummers here; and no homophobes either... we were indulging in what is now known throughout the length and girth of the land as 'trying to be amusing'.

As Harvey Bumbanger sang in his 1999 hit "...there's no tail in my tale, my ass ain't for sale... make mine a cocktail, if you please..."

Not sure how that's relevant, but it sounded rude so I wrote it.

Hughes the Booze said...

...oh and my method for ending a boring conversation is to simply say "I know nothing about drilling, and I don't want to know anything about drilling. Can we talk about routing, hammering or screwing instead?"

morriston burns said...

Come on, there must be something wrong with the Swansea Fringe when a local band(Fric'Man) can't get a spot, but JTQ can. Typical Swansea, I bet they leapt on the chance to book a 'well known' band.

morriston burns said...

Personally I can't wait to hear some more early '90s Jazz Funk; didn't quite get my fill first time round.

morriston burns said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
morriston burns said...

You're probably the only person on the guest list; how many other people do they know in Swansea?

morriston burns said...

Only a real bummer would be concerned about these posts...

Hughes the Booze said...

I took a while working out what JTQ stands for.

Not much?
Jizzy Tinted Quim?
Jungle Twat Quota?

Then I realised. It's that other band that were at this year's Men with Moustaches parade.

Now I have to work out why you want to see them?

...and to think you accused us of not talking about music enough when you want to go and see the musac king!

I shall think of you next time I'm in a lift. Maybe you'll think of us next time you're in the closet.

Hughes the Booze said...

...talking of lift music I found out today that there is a new age band that does 'music to meditate to' and such-like shite.

Unfortunately, they are called 'Satori' (bastards). They have three albums out 'Rejuvenate', 'Escape' and 'Savor Every Moment'(from the spelling presumably their yankees).

Did anyone know about this? If so, does anyone care?

morriston burns said...

No I didn't and no I don't. And I think you may have the wrong JTQ. It's the 'James Taylor Quartet' who play a form of Jazz Funk, not James Taylor the singer of bitter- sweet folk-rock.

morriston burns said...

Satori ground attack vehicle - are 'monkey chaps' the special leather over-trousers worn by horse riding monkeys and also gay monkeys?

MonkeyChops said...

Monkey Chaps are simian dandies who sail the seven seas in their Monkey Ships looking for Monkey treasure.

Mister Satori - I did indeed mean 'masterbating'. An impressive display of bating (you or them) will end any conversation. Ironically, though, I was actually masturbating whilst writing that particular post. And this one. I've been at it for seventeen and a half hours, now. I'm being sponsored if anyone's interested (see the official 'Sponsored Milk Run' website for more details, or visit my live webcam). I am in a great deal of pain. It's turned green. Gangrene is setting in. An unholy stench fills the room.

JTQ actually stands for Jamirotiquai. Lots of people get that mixed up, rather like ELP (Electric Light Porchestra)

Hughes the Booze said...

Mr Burns: No, I do know the difference between the two James Taylors. One is a very boring folky and the other does lift music jazz funk and have a web site entitled "we're desperate for people to like us, give us a call and you can be on our guest list.com"

Monkeychops: I've visited the web cam, I believe you may have a little something on the lens.

morriston burns said...

I've seen them live a couple of times and they're actually very good musicians; maybe they're better live.
I was in a bitter kind of mood, but while they are very good at what they do, it is true that I'm a bit bored of that kind of music now and don't really need to hear any more of it.
And don't go and get all offended Mr Satori!

morriston burns said...

As for posting amusing nonsense unrelated to Fric'man or music in general, Mr Frictionless started it!

Mr Frictionless said...

Damn right I started it. You may carry on, you silly people.

morriston burns said...

Gawd bless ya, sweet master.

Mr Frictionless said...

Very good. Now, get back up the chimney cretin.

morriston burns said...

But I've been up the 'chimney cretin' for hours and he's getting quite sore!

Chimney Cretin said...

Please Mr Burns, my ring is getting severely abraded. Can you not let me rest for a moment?