Alarms, all through the night and all through the day. Somewhere near us there is an alarm that has been going off intermittently for about a month. It was going for a whole 36 hours about 3 weeks ago, until it finally died and was reduced to a weedy “blip” every thirty seconds. But it seems that whoever owns the bloody thing has returned home, changed the batteries and buggered off again so now we are treated to hour long bursts of high pitch warbling. My personal favourite occurred this morning between the hours of 4am and 5am, widely considered the best time for an alarm to be going off.
I’m not sure what sort of alarm it is. It sounded like a smoke alarm originally, but after hours of heavy duty screeching it has developed a distorted oily quality that sounds like reggae for gnats. Since nothing burnt down I suppose it isn’t a smoke alarm, unless someone has been frying bacon in there all this time, in which case maybe someone should tell them that too much of a good thing makes me want to drown in the bath. Maybe it is some sort of anticipatory device that goes off if there is a possibility that an alarm may go off somewhere before the next ice age. Maybe it is sympathetically attuned to an alarm in a house that has spent the past month in flames. Maybe it is a new form of dog. Whatever it is I’m so glad there’s one near us.
And now, sat in the office I am treated to someone’s car alarm going off outside. Every 5 minutes comes a minute of soprano squeals. That’s an interesting image, a minute soprano squealing. Why is she squealing? Because she has just seen a dog eating its own poo? I can imagine that would make a tiny singer squeal. She would have just come of stage after some piece of Schoenberg’s, dying for some ice cream and to have her bum burnished by panthers, it’s true, and she walks into her dressing room and sees her schnauzer wolfing up the turd it just laid in one of her Gucci shoes. That would make her squeal, I’m positive.
Imagine if she has to go back on stage for an encore. She would be singing away, bosom heaving as she flounders around high C and then the image would return, little doggy with a pooey snout and she would go:
“SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL”
No one would notice a thing. They’d probably throw flowers at her, probably not even in pots.
We’re playing in the Tavern at 3.30pm on Saturday for the Uplands Music festival. If you’re out of bed, come along. In the evening we are going to the Rag Foundation reunion gig in the Chattery, which should be a fun evening. They have a really good buffet there, which I fully intent to cram an unreasonable amount of into my face hole. I am actually quite excited. Lucky us!
4 comments:
Why is everyone doing reunion gigs? Satori even did a reunion gig and we haven't even split up. Hey, if you do a reunion gig then you could revert to your "classic" line-up and get that chainsaw wielding Nazi to reprise his role as "person who takes a whizz on Picasso's freshly painted canvas". Maybe you should just get your drummer back because he was quite good and a nice person. Not to take anything away from your bass drum player who is doing a stirling job so maybe you should put the reunion idea on hold.
The title of the last entry wasn't any reference to my underwear was it? I fight in laundries like a lady but not in ladies' lingerie, if you get my drift.
Stay hip (or, failing that, attempt to remain slack).
Maybe the government is pumping "Nostalgions" into the clouds which are in turn falling as little drops of wistfulness, like old man tears, to make us all pine for bygone days.
Anyone who's ever seen the Bayern Tapestry knows that any time before right now was horrible, so I won't be reunionised anytime ever. And I am burning my time machine as well.
As for the last heading Meeester Loooeeez, I don't usually explain them but this time I will because I'm so clever. In the later Mrs Peel era Avengers each episode would start with captions along the lines of: Steed does x in y. Since you have a bowler hat I just wondered what the Avengers would have been like if you were Steed and Roy Kinnear as Mrs Peel. Wasted a couple of minutes anyway.
I've always been afraid to ask if there were any meanings behind your titles, preferring to preserve the rose-tinted perception that they were just perfect nuggets of dada that provided me with waters upon which I could happily cast the bread of my psyche and come back from my sailing voyage having caught strange aquatic thought-monsters.
I'm so pleased to find that, in fact, your titles are just as gloriously, perfectly silly as I've always supected they might be.
Well done and keep up the good twaddle.
By the way, I've just posted some of the stuff from the Satori Mark I reunion gig on a Soundclick page. The URL is www.soundclick.com/satorimarki
It may not work until it has fully propogated across the web, in which case you may want to use this: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=592453
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