I was menaced by horny flying monkeys this morning during my walk to work. They were flapping around onanising with their great unwashed monkey dongs, scattering their seed amongst the trees and braying in their monkey tongue when they caught site of me and swooped to attempt flying-monkey-congress with me. But I've been in worse scrapes, such as the time I was ensnared by the Monstrously Over-clitted Twat Beasts of Eccles.
So there I was, stuck three-ways from Frankie Howard's Electric Organ Refurbishment Inc. about to be caught in the biggest flying monkey spunk storm since the Wizard of Oz's wrap party, where Judy Garland infamously said she could handle "every one of you goddamn chimps and still have room for that yella lion bee-hatch", when who should turn up but the cast of Cheers having a race on their chocolate tricycles. I took the opportunity to escape, the monkeys suddenly being distracted by the sudden influx of actors. I feel a little guilty. Ted Danson's screams will haunt me until the end of my days.
I feel a little strange. Maybe a little refreshing fruit cordial will soothe me....is this a monkey pube in my calzoni?
8 comments:
I suspect the computer acted independently on this one. However I think that's exactly what we need more of in this world: immigration to Canada. Think about it: next door to America; in the snow; amongst the French. Can you think of a nicer place to live?
Here's a dialogue about monkey rape that might be relevant to your situation:
http://www.nightshadebooks.com/discus/messages/378/4854.html
Did your 'flying monkey' experience happen the morning after a 'Neil and Kate' rehearsal by any chance? It could explain things somewhat.
Actually it only happens when I have not had a rehearsal with Neil and Kate. Strange.....
I'm glad that anonymous felt open enough to admit that he did not know all the answers. How could he possibly be expected to know whether the pube in my calzoni came from a monkey? Do monkeys make calzoni?
And the staff were mandrils, before any of you wags get started.
Yes, monkeys do make calzoni and by all accounts they're excellent; it's the addition of nutmeg and torn basil leaves which really lifts the flavour. Unfortunately, because of their habit of cooking in the nude, refusing to wear even so much as an apron or hair net, some pubes do often find their way into the food.
The origins of monkey calzoni are quite interesting; about fifty years ago, monkeys still favoured the pizza above all. However, due to their lifestyle of tree-dwelling they found it increasingly difficult to enjoy.
You see, it was virtually impossible to manouevre about the tree-tops without the pizza toppings sliding off. This problem continued until one particularly bright monkey hit on the idea of simply folding the pizza over and sealing the edges, thus preventing the topping - or filling as it now was - from escaping. So it was that the monkey calzoni was born, and to this day, troops of monkeys can still be seen leaping from tree to tree on their way to work, with a calzoni grasped safely in one foot.
I just remembered, it's CALZONE not CALZONI. I don't care, I just thought I'd say it before some pedant chimed in.
Calzoni is the plural, I of course always eat two at the same time.
Did I get away with it? Better than Burns did I reckon.
Probably better not to have typed that in. Oh well.
Cockschwartz's party days are over. On account of death. But he does do book signings.
Oh well, too late, the pedant chimed in after all. I will have to kill you now. Well not right now, the next time I see you. When would be good for you?
Shame about Cockschwartz, I wish I could have seen him in his prime.
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