The crimebusters of the sea!

I’m listening to Soup by Can on my headphones at work and, there, it has just finished. By Christ that hurt.

I have just requested a large portrait of myself in a pose reminiscent of Chairman Mao to be hung behind my desk at work. I’m not sure that I will be getting it immediately, but I’m sure that if I apply the correct pressure it will happen. Think of things that do happen because of pressure: volcanoes, tires, hydraulics, piped icing, sausages, the Himalayas, the bends. All things that owe their existence to Pressure.

Pressure is made from Sulphur (S), Hydrogen (H), Argon (Ar), Potassium (K) and Yttrium (Y) meeting in the upper atmosphere where they react with sunlight to form Pressure (S2H4ARK2Y), which falls in blue pebbles roughly the size of the now defunct half penny piece. In 1876 fabled submariner Johan Von Weisse was the first man to bottle Pressure Vapour, which is obtained when Pressure is burnt in an atmosphere two parts sulphur dioxide and one part wheat grass per million spherical yards, or in metric: 3.

Using this gaseous form of pressure he was able to maintain the structural integrity of his submersibles at greater depths so that in 1877 his ship was lost with all hands when they were devoured by Poseidon after trespassing in his watery realm. Poseidon was later hunted down by a German bounty hunter Rupert Hunklekopf, and led in chains to the coast of Britain where he was to form the Isle of Wight. Poseidon later married the actress Vanessa Redgrave and, a year after the marriage they were blessed with the child Michael Winner, whom Zeus gave to them in the form of a streak of stinking piss.

Other streaks of stinking piss to masquerade as humans are: Take That!, Buzz Aldrin and Ron Howard in his role as Ritchie Cunningham in Happy Days, in which he really was a piping hot stream of rabbit piss.