Incongruent dancing, hiding in cupboards, shouting at planes and calling sea birds Germaine are all useful ways of avoiding whatever is in store. I would advise each of you to devise your own methods, since diversity is the key. Here are some ideas:
- Keep a scrabble set handy and lay out the word gaol every time you hear a cuckoo.
- Antagonise horse lovers by telling them that hay makes horses into Paedophile Ponies.
- Find someone selling Socialist Worker and agree with everything he says, but in Polish. If he is Polish this will not work.
- Post unwanted bills back through the letter box if they arrive on a Tuesday. If they arrive on a Monday ignore them until you are in jail.
- Call all your friends fascists in good natured way, slap them on the back and then proceed to mutter about putsches through a megaphone.
- Smear butter on your windows and mirrors.
I cannot stress how important this is. You won’t know that you’re being controlled until it is too late and they won’t tell you about it on the BBC either. All the members of my cohort are dead and the emergency pamphlets were eaten by a spaniel. They’re farting on the Queen Mum’s soul and no one’s changed the answer machine message since King James II died. The shit.
Dedicated to Jack Palance – 18th February, 1919 to 10th November 2006.
18 comments:
I can swear in Polish I can also sing songs in polish (only polish songs though) I learnt how to do this at four o clock in the morning saturday night. I had not intended such an education, it was forced upon me by drunken poles. they were suitably sheepish in the morning so i decided to find it funny and charming.
I can swear in Polish I can also sing songs in polish (only polish songs though) I learnt how to do this at four o clock in the morning saturday night. I had not intended such an education, it was forced upon me by drunken poles. they were suitably sheepish in the morning so i decided to find it funny and charming.
I heard you the first time.
But it was worth repeating.
I SAID IT WAS WORTH REPEATING. IS THIS THING ON?
well that's odd i only clicked the once. still as you said i am remarkably witty so no harm done.
Pity about Jack Palance.
The inconguous dancing to avoid the 'Doom Bullet' could be a 'Doom Ballet', but with that kind of symmetry would it still be incongruous? Would you have to do the 'Doom In-Conga' instead?
Also I love the concept of unwanted bills, it implies that there is such a thing as a bill you actually want to receive... what a charming notion.
the bill of rights. That's a bill we wanted you facist!
It is a shame about Jack Palance, part of the shame being that he should end his career with a film such as 'City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold'. Mind you, he never really was in any decent fims. I think his best one was 'Hawk the Slayer', which was awful.
Hang on a minute, he was in the first Batman film though wasn't he? That was alright. Okay, he was in one good film, but that's still one more than me.
He also had an interesting face, which looked as though someone had grabbed his head at the bottom and just below the cheekbones and stretched it.
The Bill of Rights is American and I am not.
We have no written constitution preferring to adhere to a national culture of queueing and not complaining too loudly to anyone who matters about anything coherent or important.
I'll accept that Bill Oddie might be wanted by someone (possibly the police) but that doesn't make me a fascist.
I believe that Jack Palance forged his 'look' by suffering an injury in the second World War and having some reconstructive plastic surgery.
So just because you don't belong to a country you don't care about it's human rights legislation? That's not the kinda isonationalist bull crap i'd expect from a British citizen, but then I've always been a little optimistic.
also whilst we don't have a written constitution as such, we do have a number of legislative principles preventing parliment creating any law the PM chooses. Plus the constitution is of no protection to yanks anymore either what with bush's i can make any law without congress ratifying it during times of war. An ammendment that cunningly coincided with the war on terror.
I didn't say I didn't care about their human rights... I just wanted to make a joke about a small beardy ornitholigist... don't take things so seriously!
Good luck trying to get people not to take things too seriously here, they do it all the time. It's a real pain in the arse.
Sorry if I insulted Jack Palance, I didn't realise you were such a fan. I know a few of his films, but even I didn't know the origins of his look. Did the war accident involve someone grabbing his head at the bottom and just below the cheekbones and stretching it?
Oh by the way Mr Frictionless, you say that you feel you're being manipulated? Well, remember our talk about Voodoo? Are you feeling admonished for no reason? AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
i was being humourously indignant, but that doesn't come over too well on the internet. should have used more emoticons ;)
I think we should all assume that any comments left around here are typed with tongues in cheeks.
Since it is my blog I think you should do as I say because you're all a bunch of wankers.
You are also a bunch of wankers, Mr Frictionless.
I do my best. Live floor show at eight.
Post a Comment